Like so many other things in our lives lately, so many people have been offering advice on our marriage. Even the nurses at the hospital told us things that would help, and reminded us that everyone deals with grief differently. I thank god every day for the man he has given me. I’ve talked about my sweet Michael briefly in my writings, but I want to shed some light on him for a change.
Life with him hasn’t always been gravy, but it would be strange if it was. In just a few short months, we will have been together for 9 years. When I was struggling with infertility, I recall looking back at our time together as a time ticking away, as if I had been wasting my life. Now, I think of the time we’ve spent together, and I have a feeling of pride and accomplishment. We have been through so much, and my, how we have grown.
I have always had trouble with depression. Sometimes darkness sinks in, and I have a hard time getting around it. Michael would always be able to see when I was slipping into a bad phase, and he could snap me out of it. When we found out what we were about to go through, I remember feeling terrible when he begged me not to do anything selfish. There were times that he would look me straight in the eye, and beg me not to shut down on him, not to close him out like I used to. Now, every single time I find myself feeling the slightest bit upset, I tell him. He hasn’t once complained.
Looking back on everything we have been through in just the last month, I am in awe of the man I have married. Not only did he stay with me for every minute he could while we were in the hospital, he remained strong for me, and I am so grateful. Because I was in labor for 20 hours, there were some moments that things got a little scary. In fact, I recall there being a time when my blood pressure dropped so drastically that I was passing out every few minutes. The nurses were reassuring him that I was going to be okay, even through all that, he remained calm and comforting, which is not how our relationship usually works. Typically, I’m the strong one when it comes to stressful situations.
My sweet man stayed awake the entire time we were there, and he was holding my hand through it all. At one point, he and my daddy had a conversation about taking care of me. Aside from the circumstances, it was the sweetest thing I have ever heard. My daddy mentioned it has always been his job to protect me and care for me, and Michael reminded him that it was now his job. My heart was so warmed by the two most important men in my life sharing their love for me. I’ll never forget the way my daddy explained his concern for me. As I lay in the hospital bed in labor, he said it was like I was about to get hit by a Mack Truck, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.
The entire time I was pregnant, I recall dreaming about what our boy would look like. I’ve always admired how handsome my husband is, I simply couldn’t wait to have a little guy running around just like him. Just as he was born, I remember the doctor laying that sweet boy on my chest; I could only see the top of his head. My, how much hair he had. It was dark just like his daddy’s. I’ll never forget how Michael described him to me; I was still scared to see his face, as I wasn’t sure if I was able to handle it. He kept telling me how pretty our sweet Skylar was. He was so precious to me, a little boy that looked exactly like the love of my life. His nose, his chin, his eyes. I loved him so very much.
From the moment I got home from my doctor’s appointment on the day I learned our boy was gone, Michael has been stuck to me like glue. Since I’ve been back to work, he reaches out to me often, making sure I’m alright, and I’m sure there’s no way I would be, if it weren’t for him. He now puts up with all my new quirks. I often feel bad for waking him in the middle of the night, but when I have nightmares that wake me, panic always sinks in, and I have to make sure he’s breathing. After all this, I couldn’t imagine losing him, too.
There was a point when someone told me losing our sweet baby boy would either tear us apart, or make us stronger. I instantly remembered the moment I laid staring at my sweet husband, snoring like a bear. He was curled up with me in my tiny twin sized hospital bed after labor had come and gone. I recall thinking to myself; I had never loved him more. Isn’t it funny, how silly you seem when you look at your past, and realize how wrong you were. I thought I loved him more then, than I ever could. I love him more now than I ever have. I’m not sure how I’ll ever love him more than I do right now, but I’ve thought that in the past.