Response

There are two types of people in this world.

When you find yourself in the darkest moments of your life, how do you respond?

Do you remain calm, processing what is about to happen to you, as you discover your life is about to change? Do you handle difficult things with composure, for the sake of those around you? Or do you allow your emotion to flood your mind? Do you allow yourself to behave however you please, no matter who you’re around?

In moments of tragedy, there are only two types of people.

 I often find myself concerned about other people when I have to tell them what has happened to me and my boy. In the beginning, when I first learned what happened, I remember apologizing to the ultrasound tech. I knew I had ruined her day. She cried with me when she had to tell me my boy was gone. 

When I met with the nurse that specialized in cases like mine just minutes after I found out, I remember asking her how she deals with people like me every day. As I was sure no one would ever want to do what she does. She just shook her head at me, and I didn’t understand why.

I was sent home that day, to get my things and wait for an available hospital room. We had time to kill, so we decided to go tell our families in person. I remember being so scared to tell my parents. My heart broke on a whole different level when for a split second, my daddy didn’t believe me. All my mom could say was how she couldn’t imagine what I was feeling. But in that moment, all I was feeling was worry for them, and how they were handling what I had just told them. 

The entire time I was admitted and in labor, I recall feeling so concerned for my family in the neighboring room, and if they were okay. I felt so bad for them, because they felt as though they had to be there for me. They must have been tired, uncomfortable, hungry, and of course, sad beyond belief.

In the time that followed my sons birth, people came to visit. The door to Skylar’s bedroom is near the front door, and right off the living room. I recall always worrying if seeing my home would upset visitors. The swing in the living room, the bassinet near my bed, the completely finished bedroom for our baby boy.. I had dealt with it at that point, but coming to see us and our home like that must have been devastating.

I returned to work quickly. Just days after I was released, I went to speak with my boss about my return. By that point, everyone in our family had adjusted to what had happened. However, walking into my place of work, that was not the case. I love so many of my coworkers so deeply. To see the sadness in their eyes as I told them about my beautiful boy was both endearing, and shattering at the same time. They cared so deeply for me. My little boy had impacted their lives so very much. 

When you become the person everyone hurts for, you’re treated differently. People want to hug you, and when they do, they sometimes loose their composure. As you’re holding someone, your chests touch, you can feel them breathe, your faces are close, you can hear their emotion.. and when they begin to cry, you can detect it with nearly every sense you have. I couldn’t tell you how many people I have hugged tighter, because I know their hearts are broken. They are crying for me. I wish I could take their pain away. 

A month after I lost my sweet Skylar, I had to go see my doctor to both make sure I was doing alright, and to get test results to find out what went wrong. One specific test they did is one I declined early in my pregnancy. It tests for genetic issues, and that was something I didn’t care about once I finally got pregnant. However, now that my little guy was gone, we were turning over every stone. 

As I completed my blood work and went to check out, the lady, without thinking, asked me how far along I was. I could hear the hesitation in my voice as I lowered my head and responded “I’m not pregnant”. That was something I have had to remind myself repeatedly, saying it aloud was difficult. You get so used to feeling a baby kick in your belly, that sometimes you think you feel them when they’re not there. 

I could see the horror in her face as she realized what she had just done. As we discussed appointments, and tests, she apologized multiple times. Michael rubbed my back the whole time. He won’t allow me to go to doctors appointments alone anymore, and I was so thankful he was there. He expected me to break in that moment, so he was comforting me in every way he could.

As our conversation came to a close, she apologized one more time. I decided to say what had been running through my mind the entire time I stood there. I told her to not worry about me. I had anticipated the regret she was feeling was something that might haunt her for some time. I didn’t want her to loose sleep over saying the wrong thing to a complete stranger. My heart hurt for her. Enough hearts had been broken already for me. Though it was difficult, I was thankful it was me she had done that to. That was a mistake she will never make again, and I was glad it was someone like me, someone who could handle it. 

Looking back on everything I’ve been through at this point, I find myself feeling thankful that I was the one carrying Skylar. Not just because I knew him best, but because I know I’m okay. I cant imagine how difficult this has been for those who love me. My husband, my parents, my best friends. I cant imagine watching someone hurt like I have been, or watching someone go through labor, knowing they wont get to keep their baby. I honestly believe its been harder for them. Because they watched it happen, and couldn’t fix it.

In every encounter I’ve found myself in since my boy has been gone, I’ve watched people closely. I’ve learned to be sensitive to the cues that come before the tears, and comfort those who hurt for me. Because it happened to me, I have the power to make people feel better. I can reassure everyone that I am indeed, okay. I’m thankful that I can comfort those who’s hearts are shattered for me and my little family. My little boy was so very loved. He would have been the luckiest little boy on the planet.

I found myself in a stressful situation this weekend that could have potentially been very bad, but it turned out okay. In those moments, I recognized a large division in the types of people that were around me.  As I comforted those who were in complete panic, it helped me realize how very different I was from them.

In this world, there are two types of people. The ones that want people to feel sorry for them, and the ones that feel bad for making others hurt. 

 

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